Ownership and Responsibility

Most of us have had the experience of a child walking into the room and proclaiming, with exasperation and desperation, “I’m bored!” Without even thinking, we start offering suggestions on what they could do. 

Despite our best intentions, this situation often does not end well. Our brilliant ideas are usually quickly refuted. We feel frustrated. Our children aren’t engaged. And we’ve missed an opportunity to help our children take responsibility. 

There are ways we adults can empower children to solve their own problems! Continue reading to discover strategies that help children take ownership, build responsibility, and develop into capable individuals.

What Does it Mean to “Own the Problem”?

It helps us to think proactively about how to respond when our children encounter problems, make choices, or face challenging situations. These aren’t necessarily significant issues, but rather daily moments that can help our children develop essential coping skills, which will be crucial in helping them navigate problems throughout their lives. 

At its core, determining who owns the problem is about identifying whether we or our children are primarily responsible for addressing an issue. For example, when our children forget to bring something to school (a coat, gym shoes, or a snack), it’s their problem to own and solve because they are directly impacted. Additionally, they are capable of problem-solving (e.g., borrowing a coat, talking to their teacher, or asking if there is any food they can have for a snack). Of course, the problem and the child’s ability to “own” it will also depend on their stage of development. 

Owning the problem helps children take more responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Whereas, if we rush to their rescue and bring anything that was left at home, our children learn that remembering to bring essential items isn’t important because we take care of covering for them. In such cases, carefully think about whether your child can reasonably resolve this issue, and if not, how your support can offer the most opportunity for the child to learn and grow their sense of ownership and responsibility.

The Challenges 

Watching our children struggle can be heart-wrenching. We don’t like to see our children upset, in pain, or even frustrated. Often, without even thinking, we jump in and try to protect our children from whatever problem, conflict, or challenge they are experiencing. 

In addition to this urge to rescue, we may also experience time constraints, diminishing patience, worry about how others will perceive the situation, doubts about our children’s capability, and even pushback from our children. 

It may seem faster to tie our children’s shoes or clean their messy room than to wait for them to do it themselves. We may worry that our children won’t meet expectations with a school project or that teachers, other parents, or extended family members will judge the results if we don’t help. Or maybe we aren’t sure that our children will make the “right” decision, or if our children are mature or skilled enough to handle a situation. We may even feel guilty about allowing our children to face the natural consequences of their actions, even though it’s a necessary part of learning.

The Value

All problems have owners. Being thoughtful about who owns the problem helps create a clear boundary between guiding our children and taking over their challenges, which is crucial for raising independent, confident, and capable individuals. If we take the time to think ahead about specific (and even recurring) situations, we can be prepared to empower our children to take ownership of the challenges they face, rather than automatically intervening.

It’s also important to remember that if we regularly take ownership of our children’s problems, we are inadvertently teaching our children that they are not capable of solving them. The result? Our children grow more needy and dependent on (and sometimes even more demanding of) adults.

If our children own the problem, we can let them manage the situation and provide support, as necessary. This is a growth opportunity for us and our children!

Steps to Take

The next time our children express frustration or emotion in response to a problem they own, we can try a simple, three-step response. 

Tell them what we see

When our children approach us, consider using detective skills to determine what emotion is at play. “It looks like you don’t know what to do right now,” or “It looks like you are disappointed,” or “It looks like you are feeling sad.” This simple first step provides acknowledgment and helps children accept that their feelings are normal and acceptable. For younger children, this also helps them learn to identify different emotions. 

In addition to validating our children’s feelings, active listening shows empathy and helps us avoid jumping to solutions. For example, if the upset is about an interaction with a friend, we can try saying something like, “That sounds frustrating. Tell me more about what happened."

Ask them what they can do

Next, we can act as a coach rather than trying to provide solutions. This requires listening closely to determine the root cause of their problem and helping them come up with a solution (without doing it for them). 

For example, if faced with the “I’m bored” statement, we can ask questions, such as, “What do you think you could do on your own so that you would feel busy?” Even if they respond by saying, “I don’t know,” we can continue to focus on their ability to think through possibilities. Sometimes, even just replying with something like, “make believe you know,” permits them to use their imagination.

Additional types of questions to have mentally prepared can include:  

“What do you think you could do to fix this?”

“How do you think _____ might react if you explain?”

“What’s the first step you could take?”

Offer to help if appropriate

Once our children have come up with a solution to their problem, we can offer to help without taking over and implementing the solution for them. 

Sometimes, our children may need support in generating ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm together, which is different than trying to come up with solutions for them. If we do offer brainstorming support, it’s important to let our children choose the best course of action. For example, if the problem revolves around forgetting to bring something to school, we can help with some scaffolding: “Let’s think of ways you have remembered to bring your instrument for band. What’s one technique you’ve used before that worked well?”

We can also offer support by providing access to tools or resources. For example, if the struggle involves organization, we can offer to provide a calendar or checklist and teach our children how to use this tool, rather than organizing their assignments or chores for them. Role-playing can also sometimes help children practice the solution they’ve identified. 

Ultimately, we want to set clear expectations by letting our children know what is expected and giving them the responsibility to follow through on them. Asking what their plan is is a fantastic way to shift the focus to their ability to solve the problem. The best part is that the more often we allow our children to solve their own problems, the more capable they become.